Horses.

We used to have these horses. They weren’t actually our horses, but they might as well have been.

An old cowboy pulled up to my parent’s house in his beat-up pick-up truck and asked if he could pasture his horses on our land since we didn’t have livestock at the time. It was music to my 15-year-old ears. I asked if I could ride them. And so, knowing nothing of horses, I rode them.

I learned a little bit about horses that summer. They can have such curious behavior. A horse can be perfectly well-behaved the entire ride and then go crazy when you point them in the direction of home. I especially noticed they made a fuss if home was within sight. A perfectly sweet horse can see home and suddenly he’s chomping at the bit, prancing his hoofs, and tossing his head.  They want to rush the rest of the journey to get home where it’s comfortable.

And now, I know exactly how those horses feel. I see home in my sight. I can’t run for it, I can’t make time rush by, but I can be impatient and I can miss the journey at the cost of the destination.

It’s hard – this last bit of time. My parent’s just bought a house and I want to be there for the move. My brother is shipping out to Japan and I want to say good-bye. Even without these events, I just want to spend summer in the USA. I want to be home with friends and family. I want BBQ ribs and corn on the cob. I want to get my hair done. I want to wear high heels. I want to finish this race and move on to something different.

But for now, this is still the race I’m running. Blessedly I have a God who helps me figure these things out. I can slow down and spend time in prayer. I can try to see things as He would want me to see them.  In my quiet reflection time this is what He’s whispered to me:

1.       Find something about life in Peru to enjoy every day/week.

2.       Set goals for the remaining time. Focus.

3.       Savor the things here that you won’t get at home.

4.       Remember that time is passing faster than you think.

God, thank you for the journey.

The Ashley Baer Pity Party: All welcome to attend.

Welcome to the Ashley Baer pity party. Yes, I know feeling sorry for ourselves isn’t acceptable, but for tonight I’m going to allow it. Self-pity is like a shade that creeps up in the day and before you know it, it’s totally dark. I’m pretty good at noticing when the shade creeps up and taking care of it right away. But tonight, I hurt and so I’m going to vent.

Depending on how you know me you may or may not know that I feel ugly in Peru. Yes, I feel ugly here. Like, on a daily basis.

My curly/wavy hair, which I normally love in the USA, is a mess here. Daily. Due to hard water, cheap shampoo, no conditioner, and working outside everyday it’s a frizz ball. I mean, it’s a huge pile of straw, lightened/damaged by the wind and sun that I keep shoved in a pony tail or pulled back in an Olive Oil type bun. I scare myself in the mirror.

Make-up; I wear it maybe once every 2-3 weeks. I just don’t need to be pretty or attractive here. I’m not here to get a date; I’m not here to attract attention. And it would look really out of place at the ministry sites.

What else? My nails are short and cracked and frequently have dirt under them from the ministry sites.  Clothes? Well, my normal outfit is bleach-spotted t-shirts, old jeans, and a pain of tennis shoes that I just stuffed cardboard in because the sole was so thin. I’m not going to buy new shoes when I’ll be home so soon.  My “church” clothes are on such a frequent rotation that I’m not bringing them back home.

“Do not stare at me because I am dark, because I am darkened by the sun…my own vineyard I have neglected.”

Maybe this all sounds superficial to you, and maybe it is. For the most part I know how truly blessed I am to be here. But at the same time, this isn’t a vacation. No, this is a sacrifice. This is painful.

My Marine brother is home on leave right now. He leaves for Japan on May 29^th. One month before I return home. He’ll be stationed there for two years and flights from Omaha are $2,000. That hurts.

I see my friends on Facebook buy new cars, and buy homes, and begin romantic relationships – or even just going out shopping or having coffee. And it hurts.

I used to do little things for myself; treats: Saturday morning at Caffeine Dreams, thrift shopping with Mom, an occasional massage.  Maybe I was so spoiled back then and I didn’t know it. But the honest truth is that I miss those things.

And I think: God you’re squeezing me too tight! You took away too much.  Give me what I had.

But then God helps me to fight the shade of pity. Yes, this is hard, Ashley, I know. He tells me.  But it’s good for you, you need this. The hard difficult times are the growing stretching times.

So, I pause, take a deep breath, and pick up the current cross He’s given me. Then I just carry on, with Him.

The little heart-breaks we get.

There’s this kid I really like. He’s one of my favorites. He’s four-years-old and at that cute questioning and exploring age. Everyone loves him; I’m not alone in that.

Yesterday I got to spend some extra time with him. We played before lunch; we ate lunch together, and got to hang out together after lunch too.  As we were playing together after lunch I began singing him a silly made-up song. “I love you because of your feet, I love you because of your ears, I love you because of you…” After singing I grabbed him in a huge bear hug and asked: “I love you, don’t you have a little love for me?” And he replies seriously: “no, mucho.” He doesn’t have a little love for me; he says he has a lot.

And that’s when it kills me. That’s when I hate this place. This world, these circumstances, those regulations.  I hate everything that prevents me from loving that boy with all my heart and everything that prevents him from having a home.  In my head I know the laws are there to protect him. In my head I know I don’t have a house, or a car, or a job. In my head I know I’m not ready.

But, oh, in my heart…I’m in love.  In my heart we make it. In my heart he could be mine. I could love him without reservation and he could love me without reservation. In my heart I’d love with abandon because he’d really be mine. But now he belongs to no one so we love with reserve. You just have to.

And he loves with reserve too. It’s so visible. He has to. To protect his little heart. You think he doesn’t notice people coming and going in his life? He does.

Due to this boys specific circumstances he isn’t available for national adoption. Due to Peruvian law he won’t be available for International adoption until he’s seven-years-old. That’s three more years. Three more years.  Well, Jacob waited seven years for Rachel and this is less than half.

Maybe he’ll be my little boy some day or maybe he won’t. I’ll be alright either way. He’ll find his forever home. I pray he finds his forever home.

But the thing is, this guy isn’t alone. This isn’t a rarity. Guess what? There’s a terrible secret I’m going to reveal. There are older kids who still have not been adopted. The years have passed them by. And with each passing year it’s less likely they will be chosen. That’s tragedy right there.

But there’s good news in that tragedy. There are kids available. They are waiting, ready to come home to you. Let’s not wait any longer. Aging out is an even greater tragedy.

This birthday of mine.

Yay! Happy 29^th birthday to me! What a wonderful celebration I had here in Peru complete with a piñata and pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey. It feels good to celebrate youth in the last year of my 20’s.

Last year for my 28^th birthday I started a new tradition. I don’t know how the idea came to me except from God. I wrote out a birthday prayer specifically asking for five things. I have three rules about my requests:

·         I can’t ask for something that I can get or do on my own.

·         It has to be specific and measurable.

·         I have to pray about what to put on my list.

Here’s what I asked for:

1.       My parents to sell their home.

2.       The salvation of a family member.

3.       For my heart to experience love (esp. in regards to males).

4.       For God to provide for me financially.

5.       For God to grow my ministry.

I prayed for these requests everyday for my 29^th year until the year was complete on my birthday. All my requests were granted save one, #2.

My parents accepted an offer on their house the week before my birthday. They are now in the process of the inspections and financing and whatever else goes with that. They have been living over an hour away in Iowa and it’s been the family’s desire for them to sell the farmhouse and move into the city so that we can all be close.  I will be blessed to stay with them in Omaha when I come home.

My lost family member. This request has broken my heart on many occasions and even now I don’t know why God didn’t grant me the most important request on that list. This request has been shifted to my current Birthday List. And it will stay on my list until the day of its completion. I will not give up.

I have grown by leaps and bounds in my spiritual growth in a fairly steady rate, but one thing that I continued to lack was in my male relationships. I didn’t trust and I didn’t love. I added this problem to my prayer list and then really began listening and talking to God about it. September and October I spent my evenings behind closed door in prayer and self-directed therapy. Now I’m free and vulnerable and trusting and friendly.

Living on donations meant losing control of my financial situation for the most part. I wanted to be able to trust God wholeheartedly for all that I had and I wanted to really believe that He would come through for me. And He has. I have never been in want the entire time of my ministry.

I always want to be growing. I don’t want to find my niche and settle down.  At least, not when it comes to ministry and spiritual things. I don’t know what this will look like all the time, only that I want to grow. Last year this time I was at the orphanage. Since that time I’ve lead several different Bible studies and am now working in two different ministries.  But growing my ministry isn’t about adding things to my list. It’s about being useful where He has me and being willing to go places where I can be used. That has happened here. I feel so blessed to have the relationships I have with Relleno Sanitario and Hogar de Esperanza.

Now I have a record of all that God had done this past year. He has done so much more than answer a few requests. He’s allowed me to see Him. I can’t wait to see what more He has in store.

Spirit things.

Matthew 5:16 Let your light so shine before men that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.

Are we being a bit too modest? Maybe we should all start bragging. Let’s not hide what God’s doing, but instead, talk it up. But what does that look like?

I’ve been doing a little side study on the Holy Spirit and the power of God. It’s been emotional and real. I’m really sensing His presence and understanding Him more little by little. Sometimes, it seems like the things we know so well are the very things we need to be reminded of.

Did you know that if you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ then the very power of God is in you? Not only that, but the Holy Spirit actually takes up residence in you. God is with you all the time actually living in you. Smelling what you smell, seeing what you see, doing what you do, tasting what you taste. Well, the Bible doesn’t actually say that part, but it does say we have the Spirit in us (Gal 3:2, 1Jn 3:24, Eph 5:18, Eph 1:13, ect.)

The thing I don’t understand is that if the Spirit of God is living in us, why are we Christians so average and normal? How come we’re not doing crazy Spirit-things? I mean, if the Spirit of God is in us we should be making headlines, right?

I imagine we’d be inviting homeless people to stay with us. We’d be paying the rent for single moms. We’d be lining up to sign up for Big Brother Big Sister or similar programs. Poverty probably wouldn’t even exist in our communities because we’d be so intent on sharing and making sure everyone was taken care of.  We’d be like the church in Acts, except modern.

Truth is, I don’t know of very many people who are doing crazy things. Are we not doing these things or are we not talking about the things we do?

In March of 2004 I walked into Christ Community Church in Omaha, Nebraska. I knew most of the facts about Jesus and God because I grew up in the Church. But facts were getting me nowhere. I was about as lost as they get. Hopeless. Confused. Angry. Depressed. Sinful.

That night I met a college student who shared her evening with me and took me under her wing. She took me out to dinner after the evening service and we stayed out till 1am talking. At the end of it all she looks at me, dirty, lost me, and says: “Ashley, you need to get away from where you are. You’re not in a good place. Come live in my apartment.” It brings tears to my eyes even today.

So a week later she moved out of her college apartment shared with three other girls and I took her place. She moved in with another family at CCC. This was in March and she had everything paid for until the lease was up in May. I took her place and she paid it all. Has a similar ring to it, doesn’t it?

What she did was EXTRAORDINARY.

And probably not very many people know about it. And maybe that’s ok. But maybe, too, we should share more of these stories.

Because I don’t hear things like this on a monthly basis. Is it that we are not doing extraordinary things or is it that we’re not talking about the extraordinary things we do?

My fear.

How can I tell you that God is good? No, not like that. I mean, g o o d, g o o d, g o o d.

I went to the last Semana Santa service tonight. I went to four this weekend. All totally different and all good for the soul. I found this little Baptist Church (on Sundays I attend an Alliance church here) just down from my house here that is pastored by missionaries from the States.  The pastor was born in Omaha and attended Faith Baptist Bible College when it was located in Omaha. The services there were traditional and reminded me of my childhood Sundays with old-fashioned hymns, ceiling fans, and stained glass windows. I loved it. It was a blessing from God to worship with them this Holy Week.

God does good things for us, doesn’t He? Even when we don’t need Him to, He just does.

In honesty, anything over and beyond our salvation is more than we need. Right? If all I had was the promise of the next life with Him that would be enough.  Yet I have SO MUCH more.

But that doesn’t stop me from doubting His goodness.

I’m due back in the States June 28^th. I’m so excited to be home with family and friends and the familiar. But there’s something else lurking in my mind. I’ve got to get a job; and I have no car, and I’m not sure where I’ll live.  My mind likes to toy with me: “Oh, you’ve not worked for over a year, you’re not qualified for anything.”  “You’re going to fall on your face, you’re going to fail.”

And my heart grows faint inside me. I think why did I do this? I should have held back my money. I shouldn’t have been so trusting; I should have provided for myself first.

But I know I did what I was supposed to do by coming here and by staying here. My mother once told me: “never doubt in the dark what you knew in the Light.”

The thing is, God has been really good to me. I mean, really good. He’s great. I’ve been so blessed.

So, what makes me think I won’t continue to be blessed? Why would He be so incredibly good to me and then one day stop? And that’s just it. He won’t stop being good to us. Even in my difficult times He’s been so good to me. He’s always right there with me helping me through the times that stretch and pull at me.

If I can admit that God is good then I can admit that God will be good. And I’ll be ok. I don’t need to fear. None of us need to fear.

Happy end of March!

Helping the Relleno kids make a craft in the
home of one of the kids.  

It’s fall here in Trujillo, but it still feels hot to me. The kids are back in school and I’ve moved off campus. Usually, it’s spring that brings new things, but for me, it’s fall.

I left Hogar de Esperanza on March 10^th and moved in with a lady and her daughter from my church here in Trujillo. On March 14^th Kelly from my home church (Christ Community Church) in Omaha flew down to spend 4 months here. She’s my shadow. We eat together, grocery shop together, attend church together, and even share a bed.

Having Kelly as my partner in ministry here has taught me a lot. Honestly, it feels like we’re married sometimes. 

“Hey, Kelly what do you want for lunch today?” “I don’t know, is there any more of that chicken leftover?”

“What time should we go to bed tonight?” “Well, I was going to Skype at nine, so how about 10?”

We are SO like an old married couple! J But it’s really great. There is so much to be said for working together. We pool our money for groceries, plan our meals, and organize our time.

We check in with each other to make sure the other person is doing ok emotionally, physically, and spiritually. We help each other out.

One of the things that living in close company has taught me is to let go of the little things. She may not cut her tomatoes the same way and I wish she wouldn’t leave her shoes there, but really, who cares. The blessings of having each other and being on the same page in ministry is so much greater than where she puts her shoes at the end of the day. I can let go of the little things for her sake and the sake of unity.

Reading the kid's Bible to everyone. Alexis is really curious.

Speaking of unity, we’re making a great team for the ministry down here. We go to Hogar de Esperanza two days a week and Relleno Sanitario three days a week. At Hogar we help with cleaning and organizing in the mornings and tutoring kids in the afternoons. At Relleno we play with the kids, do crafts, and have Bible story time. It’s a bit like Vacation Bible School.

I love how the kids at Relleno have been so open and loving already in these first weeks. Right away Kelly and I were accepted. The kids aren’t jaded or skeptical – they’re affectionate and open and hungry for love and attention. These are God’s children. Wow. I get to spend time with God’s kids. They are so precious and lovely and I’m incredible blessed to have time with them.

Kelly playing soccer with the kids. I got stuck being goalie.

Isn’t it amazing how we think we have a plan or idea for our life and then God comes along and makes it even better than we could have ever imagined? Yeah, that’s my Jesus. That’s my Savior. Thank you, Lord.